Well, anyone who’s been following my
Twitter lately has seen that I’m currently fighting off a possum invasion. And
by “fighting off” I mean “doing nothing to prevent it”. I think I'm going to start telling people it's an elaborate promo scheme for JA Rock's Trouble At Possum Ranch. That's plausible, right?
A few people have asked about animal
control. Now, I could hire a possum trap, but it’s after trapping them that
things get tricky. Possums are a protected native species, so you can’t hurt
them (and look at those cute little faces!). You also can’t relocate them more
than fifty metres from where you trap them. Fifty metres? THEY COULD STILL SEE
MY HOUSE FROM THERE!
So that seems a pointless expense.
Anyway, the other day at the hardware shop
I was looking at screens, thinking that I could tack it up around the shutters
in my house, and damn the aesthetics. And then I remembered that possums have
been known to peel back tin in order to get into roofs.
So that seems like a pointless expense as
well.
At the moment, I think bribery seems like
the best option. It’s worked before. In the Great Possum Invasion of 2012,
after Cyclone Yasi knocked down a bunch of trees, the possums were breaking in
and stealing bread and bananas and whatever they could get their clever little
paws on – they can also open cupboards – I ended up leaving food outside for
them. I agreed to do this, and they agreed not to break in unless I forgot. Or
was late. Or they wanted something apart from bananas.
Anyway, once the trees grew back the
possums went back to their old diet.
Another option, of course, is earplugs.
Because here’s the thing. If the possums break in and I don’t hear it, it
doesn’t count, right? Ignorance is bliss. That way, if I come out of my bedroom
in the morning and there are things knocked onto the floor, I’ll just blame the cats.
Now, I don’t hate possums. I just wish they’d remember that they are outside
animals. Particularly when it’s midnight, this is my bathroom, and I really,
really need to pee.
I peed anyway. With a towel over my head
for protection.
