The Great Task Bellow

Well, after my last post, you guys thought I knew about angst? Let me tell you, I know shit about angst. Because check out this email I got today: 

My Name is Mrs.Bakara Wachiri from Syria . I am confident that (you) the recipient of this message should endeavour to read this message thoroughly and wholeheartedly accept to assist me fulfil my last wish before I die. I do not have any option for a better solution than to inform you about this great task bellow.......

Firstly, I am married to Mr Fara Wachiri.A gold merchant who owns a small gold Mine in Burkina Faso . We were married for Eleven years without a child. And he died of Cardiovascular Disease before the uprising in Syria began in mid-March 2011. During his life time he deposited the sum of US$ 7.2m (Seven million two hundred thousand dollars) in a bank in Ouagadougou the capital city of Burkina Faso in West Africa . Presently this money is still in the bank without claim. He made the money from gold exportation around the world.

At the time of his illness, I was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. The one thing that disturbs me mostly is my stroke illness. My doctor confidentially told me i have a month to live. Having known my condition I decided to contact you if you can claim the fund as my next of kin since none of my husband’s relation or mine is alive. They were killed during the war in my country Syria when they were fleeing from the country to Jordan . If you agree to be my next of kin and claim the fund then you will utilize this money the way I am going to instruct you…………

You will take 40 % Percent of the total money While 60% of the money will go to charity and the orphanage homes. I grew up as an Orphan and I want part of the money to go to charity and the orphanage homes. If this money remains unclaimed before or after my death, the bank executives or the government will take the money as unclaimed fund and maybe Use it for selfish and worthless ventures.

As soon as I receive your reply I shall give to you the contact of the bank in Burkina Faso for the claim. I will also provide to you a copy of the existence of the fund and a letter of authorisation to legally transfer the fund to you as my choice of next of kin. Significantly, if you assure me that you will act accordingly as I stated above.

I write to you by the assistance of a nurse in the hospital. Note that this task requires urgent action.Kindly reply me through [redacted because I'm not an idiot]. 

Oh yes, this could all be mine! 

Have you ever read a story filled with more heartbreak? You guys. Just...I don't even know where to start. Okay, yes I do. 

Dear Mrs Bakara Wachiri, 

While it's always been a dream of mine to be adopted by a hitherto-unknown gazillionaire with a terminal illness, I am afraid I must decline your extraordinarily generous offer to be your heir. Mostly because it would take me too long to learn to spell my new surname. 

What confuses me the most, however, is why you looked all the way to Australia for someone to assist you. I would think that the real difficulty in trying to unload $7.2 million dollars would be trying to keep the hordes of people from your door. But obviously my understanding of the intricacies of international finance is as lacking as your understanding of my admittedly basic level of intelligence. 

May I kindly suggest that you give your helpful nurse some of your fortune, which may allow her to invest in an English dictionary. While I'm sure she's busy dealing with your many tragic ailments, perhaps she could take a moment to learn the difference between "bellow" and "below". Although I did enjoy the accidental poetry of "this great task bellow". For some reason I'm imagining a frustrated water buffalo trying to tie its shoelaces. 

And here's an idea. Don't give me 40% of your fortune, and 60% to "charity and the orphanage homes". As an orphan yourself, I'm sure you understand what a difficult life those poor children have. May I suggest that, in your last remaining days, you adopt several hundred of these orphans and give them the money directly? I'm sure the medications you are on for your various tragic illnesses are making logical thought difficult for you, but come on, the solution is staring you in the face. 

I regret at this time that I will be unable to assist you in your great task bellow, as much as I'm sure the money would be helpful as Olga and I embark on our life together. 

With best wishes, 

Lisa Henry. 

What Does Your Browser History Say About You?

Okay, so I clear my browser history every day. Mostly because my nine-year-old nephew often uses my computer, and there are things there that I don't want him to see. I'm already known as the relative who taught him the f-word at age three. Which, to be fair, was absolutely not my fault. I'd forgotten he was strapped into his kiddy seat in the back of my car. My invisible car, apparently, since a truck came out of a side street, completely didn't see me, and I had to brake and swerve off the road to avoid becoming a statistic. 

Then, while I was sitting there with my hands shaking on the steering wheel and my heart trying to break out from behind my ribs, a little voice piped up from the back seat: "Aunty Lisa, what's a fuck?" 

If I'd been able to think straight, I might have told him I said truck. 

So, six years down the track, and Tom uses my computer a lot. And, after one (fortunately closely monitored) incident where he wanted Google, typed "g" in the search bar and it defaulted to gaytube, I've learned to cover my tracks. 

But it did get me thinking about what my browser history says about me. 

Because, as a writer, I go off on whatever interesting tangent my imagination tells me to. A lot of the time this is porn. Which I can totally excuse as research, so there's that. But sometimes it's actual research, and I wonder what red flags are being raised when I spend a whole night searching "yellowcake" "armament factories" and "nuclear weapons". 

Surprisingly difficult to get information on the subject, to be honest. Unless you're a terrorist, I suppose, but maybe they don't use Google. Because I really want my guy to work in a factory that makes missiles, and even though I've found some great pictures, I'm pretty certain I need to know what those awesome-looking machines actually do before I write about them. I mean, it's only peripheral information, but I don't want to screw it up. 

Also, I don't want to get put on a no-fly list, so I don't know... 

Back to porn, I guess. 

Now, if you'll excuse me I need to delete my browser history before I get, "Aunty Lisa, what's an emergency twink?" 

A stranger is a friend you just haven't met yet...and other lies

So, today I got this email from a delightful new friend called Olga. Here it is: 

how are you today? What is your name?

my name is Olga, You frequently are on this site http://www.rusbeauty-g*rls.ru/ ?I today wanted to talk to you in a chatYou have yahoo or hotmail ID? if you write to me, ok?I shall wait from you the letter with impatience

If I'd responded, it would have gone something like this: 

Dear Olga, 

I am very well today, thank you for asking. My name is Lisa, which my email address should have given away, but apparently didn't. 

Actually, I have never been to that site that promises to be full of Russian beauties. In fact, I'm so suspicious of it that I've removed the link function here on my blog, and thrown in an asterisk. I'm sure your site is full of lovely Russian ladies, but if you knew as much about my web browsing habits as you pretend, you'd know I spend most of my time on gaytube. For research purposes only, I promise...

I would also love to talk to you in a chat, but, judging by your email, I fear the language barrier might be insurmountable. 

I do have a hotmail or a yahoo ID as it happens, but, after having my heart broken last year by a Nigerian prince (or possibly the son of a deposed general, I can't remember which) I am reluctant about supplying it without knowing you a little better first. 

However, I would like to thank you for accidentally steering me toward a new plot bunny. No, it's not the one where an ignorant fool sends a stranger her bank account details, it's the one with the Russian brides. Except in my universe it would be a Russian groom. Because, you know, I'm an equal opportunist   (emphasis on "opportunist") and I wonder, given that same sex marriage is legal is some places now, if you guys aren't overlooking the gay demographic? I suppose what I'm really asking is do you have a brother? 

I hope that you do, and I hope he is called Arkady. Because I've always loved that name. 

However, I doubt very much that I shall write to you, ok? I hope you will not wait for me the letter with too much impatience. 

Счастливого Нового Года! * 

Lisa

*That phrase apparently means "Happy new year". I took Olga's lead and used Google translate, so it might mean anything really.