"Unprofessional Reviews"...WTF?

Oh my god! How dare you review my literary masterpiece, you’re not even a proper reviewer! You’re just someone unqualified person off the street who read my book!

So, some authors out there seem to think that it’s okay to look down on “unprofessional reviews”. I don’t know WTF an “unprofessional review” is because, frankly, unless you’re working a fulltime job as a reviewer for The Times Literary Supplement or something, everything else probably counts as unprofessional, right?

I can’t remember the last time I bought a book based on a scholarly review. Because, let’s be honest, they’re mostly boring. Not only don’t I care if the journey of the MC can be read as a revisionist reinterpretation of Marxist-feminist postmodern theory, I don’t really understand what that means. (Note: probably nothing. I just strung some words I remembered from university together.)

Scholarly reviews are interesting, well, if you’re a scholar. But what about if you just want to know if you’ll like a book or not?

And that’s where all those “unprofessional reviews” come in. Tell me how much you loved a character. Tell me how you wanted to throw your Kindle across the room. Tell me how smexy it was, or how it gave you chills. Because that’s the stuff I want to know about, before I shell out some money for a book.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll keep on saying it: A reviewer doesn’t need to justify why they liked or hated a book. Either it worked for them or it didn’t. As an author, you shrug and move on. And you know what? It doesn’t even matter. Because for every person who thinks what you wrote was a steaming pile of crap, there will be another one who loved it and wants to have its babies.

And what’s with all this passive-aggressive bullshit lately about “Oh, you just said you hated it, and didn’t give any constructive criticism, that’s not a real review”. Well, a reviewer doesn’t have to give an author constructive criticism. Hell no. The ship’s already sailed on that one, buckaroo, because that was the job of your beta readers first, and your editor second.

And while it’s nice to get a review that tells you exactly what a reviewer liked (or hated), again, that’s not their job. They bought your book. They can paper the cat’s litter tray with it if they really want. And what do you care? They bought your book.

So, authors, take a deep breath, step away from the computer, put the crazy down, and let me sum this rant up for you:

1.    A reader does not need to have a degree in Literary Criticism in order to have a valid opinion.

2.   A reviewer does not have to be a paid reviewer in order to have a valid opinion.

3.  People review books because, generally, they love reading books and then discussing them with other people who also love reading books. Not because they're part of a secret global plot to discredit you. (You're not that important.)

4.   Stop whinging and go and write something.  

Bad Author Behaviour

Is it just me, or is there a lot of Bad Author Behaviour on Goodreads lately? 

I won't link to the latest incident or call anyone out, because whether it's the author, a sock puppet, or some random helpful fan who thinks they're doing the author a favour, I don't know. But it's unattractive behaviour, and nothing will land you on a "Don't buy" list quicker than slagging off the people who bought your book in good faith. 

Here's how I see it. 

Goodreads is for readers, not authors. The second someone pays for your book, they can like it, hate it, or they can desperately want to KILL IT WITH FIRE. It's their right. And it's also their right to tell all their friends what they think. That is the whole point of the site. 

Okay, sure, not all reviewers are fair and balanced. Too bad. But it is not your job, and it's sure as hell not your BFF's job, to call them on it. Because Goodreads is for readers. You're playing in their sandpit, and you take the bad with the good or you get the hell out. 

The moment you publish a book and it's in the public sphere, your don't own it anymore. Okay, you own the copyright and whatever, but it's not your ickle precious baby who has to be protected from the big bad world. Hell no. You wave it off, you wish it well, and you let it make its own way. 

The simple fact is, some people will love what you write and some people will hate it. And if you're not ready to deal with that, then maybe you're not ready to call yourself an author. 

On that note, I don't comment on reviews of my own books. I might "like" a few now and again to get the cover out in everyone's feeds, but that's it. I'm more than happy to talk about my books if you invite me to, but I'm not going to butt in on the conversation you're having with your friends because I don't have any right to do that. Readers shouldn't have to worry that authors are going to start a shit storm because of something they say. 

When you get your royalty cheques from your publisher, where do you think that money came from? So to all the Authors Behaving Badly out there, grow up, chill out, and stop biting the hand that feeds you.