Trouble with Possums

Well, anyone who’s been following my Twitter lately has seen that I’m currently fighting off a possum invasion. And by “fighting off” I mean “doing nothing to prevent it”. I think I'm going to start telling people it's an elaborate promo scheme for JA Rock's Trouble At Possum Ranch. That's plausible, right? 

A few people have asked about animal control. Now, I could hire a possum trap, but it’s after trapping them that things get tricky. Possums are a protected native species, so you can’t hurt them (and look at those cute little faces!). You also can’t relocate them more than fifty metres from where you trap them. Fifty metres? THEY COULD STILL SEE MY HOUSE FROM THERE! 

So that seems a pointless expense.

Anyway, the other day at the hardware shop I was looking at screens, thinking that I could tack it up around the shutters in my house, and damn the aesthetics. And then I remembered that possums have been known to peel back tin in order to get into roofs.

So that seems like a pointless expense as well.

At the moment, I think bribery seems like the best option. It’s worked before. In the Great Possum Invasion of 2012, after Cyclone Yasi knocked down a bunch of trees, the possums were breaking in and stealing bread and bananas and whatever they could get their clever little paws on – they can also open cupboards – I ended up leaving food outside for them. I agreed to do this, and they agreed not to break in unless I forgot. Or was late. Or they wanted something apart from bananas.

Anyway, once the trees grew back the possums went back to their old diet.

Another option, of course, is earplugs. Because here’s the thing. If the possums break in and I don’t hear it, it doesn’t count, right? Ignorance is bliss. That way, if I come out of my bedroom in the morning and there are things knocked onto the floor, I’ll just blame the cats.

Now, I don’t hate possums. I just wish they’d remember that they are outside animals. Particularly when it’s midnight, this is my bathroom, and I really, really need to pee.

I peed anyway. With a towel over my head for protection.