Well, after my last post, you guys thought I knew about angst? Let me tell you, I know shit about angst. Because check out this email I got today:
My Name is Mrs.Bakara Wachiri from Syria . I am confident that (you) the recipient of this message should endeavour to read this message thoroughly and wholeheartedly accept to assist me fulfil my last wish before I die. I do not have any option for a better solution than to inform you about this great task bellow.......
Firstly, I am married to Mr Fara Wachiri.A gold merchant who owns a small gold Mine in Burkina Faso . We were married for Eleven years without a child. And he died of Cardiovascular Disease before the uprising in Syria began in mid-March 2011. During his life time he deposited the sum of US$ 7.2m (Seven million two hundred thousand dollars) in a bank in Ouagadougou the capital city of Burkina Faso in West Africa . Presently this money is still in the bank without claim. He made the money from gold exportation around the world.
At the time of his illness, I was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. The one thing that disturbs me mostly is my stroke illness. My doctor confidentially told me i have a month to live. Having known my condition I decided to contact you if you can claim the fund as my next of kin since none of my husband’s relation or mine is alive. They were killed during the war in my country Syria when they were fleeing from the country to Jordan . If you agree to be my next of kin and claim the fund then you will utilize this money the way I am going to instruct you…………
You will take 40 % Percent of the total money While 60% of the money will go to charity and the orphanage homes. I grew up as an Orphan and I want part of the money to go to charity and the orphanage homes. If this money remains unclaimed before or after my death, the bank executives or the government will take the money as unclaimed fund and maybe Use it for selfish and worthless ventures.
As soon as I receive your reply I shall give to you the contact of the bank in Burkina Faso for the claim. I will also provide to you a copy of the existence of the fund and a letter of authorisation to legally transfer the fund to you as my choice of next of kin. Significantly, if you assure me that you will act accordingly as I stated above.
I write to you by the assistance of a nurse in the hospital. Note that this task requires urgent action.Kindly reply me through [redacted because I'm not an idiot].
|Oh yes, this could all be mine!|
Have you ever read a story filled with more heartbreak? You guys. Just...I don't even know where to start. Okay, yes I do.
Dear Mrs Bakara Wachiri,
While it's always been a dream of mine to be adopted by a hitherto-unknown gazillionaire with a terminal illness, I am afraid I must decline your extraordinarily generous offer to be your heir. Mostly because it would take me too long to learn to spell my new surname.
What confuses me the most, however, is why you looked all the way to Australia for someone to assist you. I would think that the real difficulty in trying to unload $7.2 million dollars would be trying to keep the hordes of people from your door. But obviously my understanding of the intricacies of international finance is as lacking as your understanding of my admittedly basic level of intelligence.
May I kindly suggest that you give your helpful nurse some of your fortune, which may allow her to invest in an English dictionary. While I'm sure she's busy dealing with your many tragic ailments, perhaps she could take a moment to learn the difference between "bellow" and "below". Although I did enjoy the accidental poetry of "this great task bellow". For some reason I'm imagining a frustrated water buffalo trying to tie its shoelaces.
And here's an idea. Don't give me 40% of your fortune, and 60% to "charity and the orphanage homes". As an orphan yourself, I'm sure you understand what a difficult life those poor children have. May I suggest that, in your last remaining days, you adopt several hundred of these orphans and give them the money directly? I'm sure the medications you are on for your various tragic illnesses are making logical thought difficult for you, but come on, the solution is staring you in the face.
I regret at this time that I will be unable to assist you in your great task bellow, as much as I'm sure the money would be helpful as Olga and I embark on our life together.
With best wishes,